Author: Jessica Hadari
Today’s shift seemed slow. I felt useless but there was little to be done. The cook had no tasks for me. The nurse had none. Jenny, Melanie and I sat with Ben and Alice while they ate. Both residents coughed a lot. It seemed painful for them to eat. It was hard to witness.
Ben was a bit flirtatious and seemed very open to our feminine attention. He told me his hands were cold – they were, but I think this was his way of getting to hold hands with me. I got a couple of smiles from Alice, who had not smiled at me before. I felt recognized.
And then everyone slept.
I had missed the email last week from Roy about Christian, the 30 year old resident with all the friends. He had passed on. I felt heavy with the information, but relieved because he had been so close last week and now it was over.
I have thought about Christian a lot in the past week since I wrote this. Mostly because he was close to my age and my partner’s age. I have imagined myself dying and my partner dying.
My friend Paget asked me to be her son’s godmother – officially added to her Will, in the case of her and her husband’s death.
I thought about how Christian had wanted to be more alone as he neared the end. His extensive community was overwhelming to him in their support. I have wondered if I would feel supported in my own death. I imagine that, yes I will. I have wondered if I would feel overwhelmed.
Flowers at the Guest House
The house was teaming with flowers today. Some orchids from Christian’s friends. many bouquets from a man who shows up with armfuls of flowers as a thank you for the Guest House. Such a beautiful building. This victorian has been beautifully restored and maintained as it has been used for hospice care.
I would want to be here if I was dying. Hana shared though, that some people actually resent staying at the House. That they prefer the hospital. I was surprised. The house is so beautiful.
Maybe some people, I though about my mother, feel safer in the constant medical buzz and intervention of the hospital.
We all have different ways that we want to die.
I worried about money today. Me with no health insurance. I thought, if I was dying I wouldn’t have the means to die in a beautiful place like this.
I felt the deep hopelessness of feeling helpless in that moment. I felt sad.
Jessica Hadari is the founder of the Miracle Salon and the FEM Talks Alliance of Women Leaders, Educators & Healers.
Passionate about the "self-blossoming woman", for 15 years she has been privileged to lead countless women’s circles. Her greatest love? Watching women transform in the arenas of relationships, divine path and spiritual growth.
Each month she produces the Miracle Salon, a celebrated woman's wisdom networking event, as well as Women's Wisdom & Prayer Circles. Jessica immensely enjoys producing and collaborating around any women's event centered on emotional freedom.
She's a mother, writer, artist, hospice caregiver, master yoga teacher, holistic health practitioner, officiant, unconditional friend and voice of accountability in her Bay Area women’s communities.